Monday, June 21, 2010

10 Things I Like About Waffle House

Waffle House is one of my favorite restaurants. I'm a cheap date.

Here's what I like most:

1. It's a hole in the wall diner.

2. They have sugar free syrup.

3. It's open 24 hours. You never know when the need for scrambled eggs with cheese, wheat toast, grits, and occasionally bacon will strike you.

4. The lady who laughs like a hyena at the one I frequent. Actually no, I don't like her laugh at all. It's actually pretty annoying. I jumped the first time I heard it.

5. The 'light' portion of the menu includes a ham biscuit, and a chicken melt.

6. They ask me if I'd like my regular when I come in. Yes, thank you, I would.

7. They keep their job applications very accessible, right next to the cash register. I take one when I'm about to have a rough day at work.

8. To apply, all you have to do is list all of your criminal convictions and call their hotline from a quiet landline. Oh! And take the questions seriously. That's what the application says. No tomfoolery folks! These people run a tight ship.

9. My favorite waitress likes 'Twilight'. We talk about it. I forgot her name.

10. Wait, her name's Mel. Mel likes vampires. She's cool.

Friday, June 18, 2010

It Hurts To Be Beautiful

Have you heard of eyebrow threading?

You can have it done at a booth at the mall. You’d think I would learn after the massages, but I like to try new things.

They lay you down in the chair, comb your eyebrows, and then somehow tie tiny threads around each eyebrow hair and slowly tear them out of your face. It’s awesome.

I don’t remember it being very bad the first time. Maybe I was too stressed about the wedding to really feel the pain. I left with a smooth face, albeit flaming red.

So I went back this week. Since the last time, they’ve moved out of the kiosk and into a storefront. Business must be good, but I’m going to start warning people. People need to know.

The foot massage people next door were a little jealous I chose eyebrows over them. I heard them mumbling at me under their breath as I walked by, but the eyebrow ladies beckoned me in.

Then they sent me back across the mall to the ATM for cash.

Then they beckoned me back in again.

They sat me down in the torture chair and laid me back. I don’t know what was different this time, but tears poured down my face as she slowly pulled my eyebrows out one hair at a time.

I jumped a few times, but she held me down and continued. I’m not one for making a scene. I like to act tough, but I did yell ‘ouch!’ once and told her it didn’t hurt this bad last time. She kept going, unphased, and told me I shouldn’t have waited this long to come back. Is this supposed to motivate me to come back more?!

Then she told me I had a pimple. I asked her what she’d like me to do about it. She didn’t answer. Just kept pulling and handing me tissues.

She upped the anti and made me participate in the torture. I had to use both hands to hold my eye shut and pull my eyebrow up so she could get a better grip. I paid for this. I PAID FOR THIS!

Imagine pulling nose hairs out one by one. Slowly. It’s the closest thing I can think of. At least with waxing eyebrows, it’s one yank, a scream, and you’re done.

My face radiated heat for an hour after. Half way through I vowed never to go again. I’d rather have a unibrow.

Google it. Look up ‘slow and painful torture.’

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Wait Time

My commute has become a lot more interesting since a sign similar to this beauty decided to grace the exit I take:

Now, instead of tapping my foot impatiently at the exit, I use my time to come up with scenarios where this might be relevant information.

Pregnant Wife: Honey, look, the wait time is down to 5 minutes. Let's break my water and get this show on the road!

Man with broken leg: Nah, I'll just wait till tomorrow. Wait time's too long.

Someone with head injury: You know, the bleeding has really slowed down. I think I can wait until the wait time goes down.

I'm baffled as to why someone felt these billboards are necessary, but I found some great information on a couple of websites. tells me:

'The Hospital Corporation of America's East Florida Division is using tech to "lure" patients into their emergency rooms.'

And just in case you're at home and can't see your local billboard, they also have an iphone app.

Wait time today: 14 minutes. Too long.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Watch Out, Drivers!

Do I look like a threat to society? Seriously, you should tell me. I think I should know if I do.

I had a clean driving record when I moved down here. Never pulled over once. Now I'm up to 6, maybe 7 times of being pulled over.

Let me recount my experiences and you can decide for yourself.

Number 1: Guilty, court date.

Driving innocently along the road in Lebanon. Ok...I had expired tags and no registration or insurance...I was a ticking time bomb, and I knew it. I actually kind of chuckled when I saw the blue lights and thought 'surprised it took this long.' In my defense, I bought the car from a friend and she had lost the registration, and I needed wheels till she found it.

Number 2: Innocent

How are people supposed to know they have a tail light out without getting pulled over? Hope a friend drives behind them?

Number 3: Guilty, accidentally.

11 pm on a Friday night. Car full of sisters and friends and I'm lost on backroads trying to get home. Pre-Google Maps and GPS.

Then, I see a HUGE car wreck up ahead. Naturally, I pull into the nearest driveway, turn around, and head back the other way. To stay out of their way, you know. I'm trying to help!

2 cop cars chase me down. It was kind of exciting. Like something you see on TV. I'm in a car chase! Annnddd then they inform me I evaded a sobriety check point. They had to explain what that was. We don't have those in Michigan! Or I'm just really, really innocent.

They laughed at me. The cops laughed at me. Then they made me turn around, and drive back through the check point so they could laugh at me again.

Number 4: Definitely guilty
Going 80 on a highway in Indiana, trying to get back home. But let me explain the week I'd had.

My mom had fairly serious emergency surgery early in the week. My uncle died the end of the week. All during the busiest time of my year at work. I got a speeding ticket driving home from a funeral. That's just mean. I didn't even care when I saw his lights. I pulled over, stuck my hand out the window, and took the ticket. And then I laughed and shook my head.

Number 5: Innocent
Pulled over driving home from Josh's for a burned out headlight. Ten minutes earlier, Josh realized it was out and promised to change it the next day.

Number 6: Guilty...I think?
Did you know if you wear your seat belt tucked under your arm, you can get cut in half during an accident. Pretty picture the cop painted for me.

Verdict: I think I'm overall guilty. I wrote this, and convicted myself. Didn't see that coming.

Where were the cops when I hit two deer, totaled my car, forgot my cell phone, and walked in the dark to a stranger's home?

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

There are a few things I probably should have told you before we got married.

-I'm going to keep all the wedding magazines I collected during our engagement. And I'll still pull them out from time to time.

-I have a cupboard full of mixing bowls, and I need to keep every single one of them.

-I also need to keep the kitchen gadgets that I can't remember the names of, and can't remember what their uses are.

-I have great ideas about what the kitchen should look like. Oh, I forgot. You actually already learned that when we registered for wedding gifts.

-When we're shopping and my purse is in the cart, you are not allowed to leave it unattended for any reason.

-When we travel, I'm going to take my hair dryer, curling iron, straightener, mousse, hairspray, AND 2 shampoos.

-Then I'll take 20 minutes to do my hair, and end up putting it in a ponytail.

-I'm also going to take a bag full of drinks and snacks. And we'll have to stop every hour to use the bathroom.

-Then weI'll probably need to stop for snacks when the ones I brought don't look interesting.

-OH! And the night before we leave for our honeymoon, I'm going to realize we need an oil change AND my drivers license is expired.

-If a bug flies down my shirt, I'm going to scream and jump around. I might even drop the bag of groceries I'm carrying and break everything inside.

-I might wash our towels with a rug and die them all brown. And I there's a good chance I'll keep burning everything I cook.

-My car will often be a mess. I might have to clear a spot for you when you ride with me.

-I'm going to drive you absolutely crazy, but I'm too cute for you to get mad at.

Here's to another list in 3 more months!


Your Wife